Dear Abby: My daughter’s boyfriend smokes and gambles

Dear ABBY: My wife and I have a daughter, “Liz”, who is our life. She is 28 years old and a nurse. Her boyfriend, “Owen”, was once a heavy user of cannabis. My wife suspects he still uses it when he gets “stressed”. He is also a gambler.

We tried to give Owen a chance. He had nowhere to stay, so he stays at our in-laws’ apartment. My wife thinks he’s disrespectful, but I think she overreacts because she doesn’t like him.

Owen has been dating my daughter for four years and says he’s giving her a ring, but nothing happens. Liz seems to love him, but my wife and I think he’s not a good choice and is headed for trouble down the road.

I am at my wits end and my wife is constantly stressed. I know you mean our daughter is 28 and an adult, etc., but this situation is different. What else can you offer? – FORTIFIED FOR TIME IN NEW YORK

DEAR STRUNG PRESENT: Have a man-to-man conversation with Owen to ask directly what his plans are regarding his relationship with your daughter. He’s been living with you for four years (rent-free, I assume) and the ring he promised hasn’t materialized.

The living situation you have tolerated for so long has not helped him move forward. (Could he have gambling debts?) While Liz might not like him doing this, explain to Owen that it’s time to find a place of his own. I’m hoping, as I suspect you are, that this might spur him to action—either to step up to the plate or out the door.

Dear ABBY: How do I ask my family not to worry about me? I was widowed three years ago after a 28-year relationship. My sisters and dad panic if I don’t reply to their texts within 12 hours, always telling me they’re “just worried”.

We live in different time zones and I try to respect them by not answering after 9 or 10 pm. They get really upset when they don’t hear from me. I am a capable, aware adult and I would like this to stop without hurting their feelings. I have told them this and they continue!

For example, I traveled one weekend and got home after 10pm my time, midnight their time, and they responded 12 hours later “HELLO??” when I didn’t respond to a text if I was home. This was air travel, not car travel. When my father found out I had been out of town, he was hurt that he didn’t know.

I appreciate their concern, but I don’t feel like I need to reassure them of my well-being. At the same time, I don’t want to push them away. Please advise. – IT WILL BE GOOD IN NEVADA

DEAR, DO WELL: It is clear that you have been very attentive. Here’s what you do: Regardless of the time, answer their texts. Let wake them up at midnight or 1 am with the “good news” that you’ve arrived home safely, and maybe they’ll loosen up and not worry so much.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.