After 13 years of marriage, Bethany Meola admits that she and her husband can get bogged down in the midlife chaos that comes with navigating careers and raising three children.
That’s why the six-second kiss felt so good.
A daily intimacy exercise pioneered by couples therapists and clinical psychologists John and Julie Gottman, the six-second kiss is just what it sounds like—taking a few moments out of each day to physically connect with your partner.
“It’s a funny thing to put on a to-do list,” said Meola, who first learned of Gottmans’ work while studying for a master’s of theology focused on marriage and family.
Even when he felt a little stupid, he made a difference.
“It’s long enough to kind of ground you and say, ‘Here’s this other person that I love, that I’m committed to,’ and you’re resting in their presence in a renewed way,” Meola said. co-founder. of the nonprofit Life-Giving Wounds in Bowie, Maryland, which aims to help grown children of divorced or separated couples.
Why do six seconds matter?
Six seconds is not an arbitrary number, John Gottman said during a joint video interview with his wife and co-worker. The couple married in 1987 and co-founded the Gottman Institute, which trains couples therapists.
After studying more than 3,000 couples over 30 years, the Gottmans found that six seconds of intentional intimacy is enough to trigger the release of oxytocin. It is the same hormone that is widely believed to be responsible for bonding a child to its mother; The Gottmans say it builds trust in a relationship by calming the fear center of the brain.
Gottman cited neuroeconomist Paul Zak’s study that suggests a 20-second hug does the same.
“It comes every time mammals hug each other,” said Gottman, author of “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” and other books. “For a 20-second hug or a six-second kiss, it’s something that feels really different. It feels like you’ve come home.”
What couple does this work for?
Julie Gottman said a lingering kiss works best for couples who are committed to each other and have built a level of trust.
Couples who are anxious and struggling in therapy may not be ready for it.
“We certainly wouldn’t give that information to a very concerned couple early on before significant changes,” she said. “Because it won’t feel authentic if there’s still a lot of mistrust.”
How to start
Couples must decide to take time out of their day to prioritize their relationship. One partner might open the discussion by saying that they believe exercise can deepen their relationship, and why not give it a try?
Then it is better to create a ritual. Set aside the same time each day, for example when everyone is leaving for work and school or just before bed.
Creating a bonding ritual during these transitory moments preserves “the managerial relationship, where the only thing a couple does together is add to their very long to-do list,” said John Gottman. “We want to really nurture the romance.”
Rituals also foster a shared sense of purpose, Julie Gottman said.
Just make sure you enjoy it, rather than making it something you have to do.
And for couples who say they don’t have time? She didn’t mince words.
“You really don’t have six seconds?” she said laughing. “You know, we’re not talking about six hours here. We’re talking about six seconds. So tell me more about that block. Is there something else going on?”
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