Dear Abby: My husband won’t let my mom in our house

Dear ABBY: I’m married, but it’s not perfect. My husband of seven years, for whatever reason, doesn’t like my family. My mother has now been diagnosed with early onset dementia. I want her to come live with us, but he doesn’t want that. Even if I go near her house, he has a problem. I’m torn between saving my marriage or taking care of my mom. Please help me understand what to do. – NEEDED IN THE VIRGIN ISLANDS

DEAR REQUIRED: It’s time to carefully assess the quality of your marriage. When you married your husband, you promised to stay with him until death do you part. If your mother was out of the equation, would your marriage be better off? Is he so controlling in other areas of your life?

Caring for a parent with dementia can be a full-time job. Are there other relatives who can accept him if you offer to take part in the care he will need? You have a lot to think about, my friend. IF you were to end your marriage, would you have the stamina to take care of your mother until the end?

Dear ABBY: My husband and I moved a few years ago to a neighborhood where most of the residents are our age, and we befriended the widow next door. My husband and I help her with every little problem around the house that she comes across and some light gardening. We are happy to do so. She and I also get together occasionally for coffee.

She recently called us to invite us to her house for dinner with her sister (whom we have met) and her sister’s husband. Abby, I don’t want to start hanging out at dinner with him. My husband and I are both introverts and I have anxiety issues. Although I have entertained on a small scale from time to time over the years (usually just a couple), I get extremely anxious and miserable until it’s over. I want my retirement years to be as stress-free as possible. We are also particular about the foods we eat. She sends food every now and then that I end up throwing out.

Her brother lives nearby, is completely on his own and has no ties to any neighbors. I’m thinking of telling her (or using the excuse) that my husband is more or less like her brother and isn’t interested in getting together for dinner. Is this rude, or is there a more polite way to do this? — SEARCH WITHOUT STRESS IN THE EAST

DEAR SEARCHER: Your neighbor may have invited you to dinner as a way of repaying the many favors you and your husband have done her. So DON’T tell her that your husband is “like her brother” because you don’t know why her brother is the way he is.

A preferred solution to your problem would be to be honest. Tell her that you enjoy the occasional coffee together, but you have anxiety issues, so even though she likes you a lot, you wouldn’t be comfortable hanging out with her sister and brother-in-law.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.