Dear ABBY: My mother, who is 69 years old, recently moved close to where my wife and I live to be near us as she ages. All in all, this has been great for all of us. Mom is in good health and still very active. She walks every day and takes care of her house and garden. We see it often.
The problem is that she is very resistant to meeting new people or going out without us. She says she’ll never find friends as good as the ones she left behind, so it’s not worth trying. We encouraged her to join the seniors’ center, which she did, but she left after a month, saying the people there are “too old.”
I took her to church, but after the second Sunday, she announced that she would not be coming back. My wife tried to get her to join a club or volunteer at our kids’ school, but mom said she didn’t like being on schedule. Some neighbors invited her, but she always makes excuses to refuse. I think they have stopped looking.
Because it is independent, it is not a big deal now. But I’m worried that if she doesn’t meet people while she’s still active, we’ll be her only source of support as she gets older.
You often wonder if elderly parents are experiencing a personality change caused by old age or dementia, and I don’t think that’s the case here. Mom has always been shy. Now she is shy and stubborn. What are my options? – LOOKING FOR MOTHER IN CHICAGO
DEAR ATTENTION: Among my first thoughts is that your mother is not the independent person you described, and she is setting herself up to be completely dependent on you and your wife for social interaction. It’s not healthy for you any of you.
Before she isolates herself more than she already does, sit her down and tell her straight up that you don’t want that to happen and that she NEEDS to make more of an effort to interact with others. While relationships are not interchangeable, she once had a social life and will again if she makes an effort.
If her shyness prevents her from easily conversing with strangers, suggest that she volunteer at an animal shelter. This way she will be out of the house, interacting with others and not just depending on you.
Dear ABBY: My friend “Sally” has been dating this guy for 10 years. Their relationship has been rocky from the start and he seems unwilling to commit. He acts like he doesn’t even want to good with him, spending time only when it is convenient for him.
He has put Sally through a lot. He was involved with this other woman. He said it was because she knew some things about him and was holding it against him and he couldn’t tell my friend. I think he is a narcissist. What advice can you give her? – SEARCHING FOR A FRIEND
DEAR QUESTION: Knowing that the most unsolicited advice is the one that isn’t asked for, I would wait until the next time Sally complains about the treatment this man has given her over the last 10 years. Then I would suggest she talk to a licensed mental health professional about how to rebuild her self-esteem.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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